The horror, the horror!

To quote the grand master of American gothic fiction, H. P. Lovecraft, there are things that "cannot and should not be", and, "By their smell shall ye know them."

Lovecraft was talking about the Great Old Ones, and the dread Outer Gods, to whom Earth was a plaything and the human race less than insects.

Me, I'm talking about soul-shattering American remakes of classic films: in this instance, Neil La Bute's remake of the British classic The Wicker Man, which really is a stinker. The original is a subtle, understated masterpiece of manipulation, tension and revelation. The other is "hilariously bad" to quote critic James Berardinelli; "direly acted and defiantly non-scary," according to the BBC's Neil Smith; and "possibly the worst film of 2006" according to someone called Christopher Smith.

Just how and why this remake - starring a remarkably straight-faced Nic Cage (whose cocaine bill must have been vast to compel him to sign on to this train-wreck of a movie) in the role first played by Edward Woodward - ever got off the ground in the first place is unimaginable.

Regardless, it swiftly crashes to earth. Scoring a remarkably low 14% on Rotten Tomatoes, this is a film so bad it's not even enjoyably awful (unlike Catwoman, which is unintentionally hilarious - especially after a couple of drinks in the company of friends). Trust me - you really, really don't want to see this train-wreck of a film - not even on fast-forward, which was how I watched it tonight after the first 15 minutes...